How Parental Identity Creates A Safe Space In Your Home
Creating a safe space for your child to talk does not erase this process but it guides your child through it more smoothly because they know they are not alone in being human.
A lot of the time we need a space to dump out all of our stuff – what happened in our day, how we were treated by someone, what successes we had, things we accomplished, and just to rant about something trivial. Everyone needs this type of space and for our children it is so integral to their emotional and mental health for them to be able to find a safe space to share. What you may miss sometimes is how to create that space so that you child will willingly come to you and talk about things.
Before we get into some tips on how to create a safe space, I wanted to take a moment to explain why we need a safe space as humans to share our feelings and thoughts. It’s not just a kid thing. It’s really a human thing. When we feel unsafe we are in a part of our brain called the “reptilian brain” which houses the flight or fight responses. Think about that for a minute: if we are in a flight or fight part of our brain do you think we will be able to have a real conversation about our feelings? The answer is no, we will not be able to accomplish that. Another interesting fact, our feelings reside in a higher part of our brain that cannot be accessed until our flight or fight response is turned off. This means that when our children feel unsafe – for whatever reason – they are unable to have real conversations about what is going on for them because they are thinking about defending themselves and do not have access to their feelings. This is true for us as adults too! I know this is a basic explanation of how our brains function, but it was necessary before we get into what we can do to create a space that is safe for our child to access their feelings.
Now, that we have that discussion out of the way – let’s look at a 5 ways that you can make it safe for your child to talk to you:
Don’t judge: The biggest barrier to talking to you is the fear that you will judge them for what they think or feel. Most kids know that adults think their ideas are juvenile and immature. But, you can let your child know that you are open to hearing what they think before making an comments.
Ask before giving advice: After you’ve let your child talk you can simply ask if they want advice or did they just want a space to rant. When you take a step back and let your child know that you are there for more than just advice giving and lecturing you create a space where your child can decide if they’re ready to tackle their issue right then or if they need more time to process it.
Don’t over-react: Some things that your child chooses to share with you will be intense – a friend’s mental health, their own sadness and disappointment, being offered substances with friends, or even having dating issues. These issues might make you go into “emergency parent mode,” but you don’t want to over react to what your child is telling you. If they came to you with the issue they trust you to help guide them through solutions and their feelings about the issue. If you are overwhelmed by the issue your child tells you, let them know. You can say: “That’s a really intense issue, and I thank you for sharing it with me. Do you mind if I take a minute to gather my thoughts and I can talk to you about [set a time to come back to it].”
Stick with them: There will be times that your child will be experiencing something that seems trivial or unimportant to you. Or, there will be times that your child is not able to express what they are feeling in a healthy way. For both times you can be triggered to dismiss what’s going on as a kid issue and jump to lecturing. I challenge you to do this instead: tell them “I am here to talk when you are ready. I’m sorry that I do not understand what is going on for you, but I would like to. So, come talk to me when you’re ready and I will listen without judgment.” This statement lets them know that you are honest about not knowing and that when they do choose to talk you will be there to listen without judging them.
Use empathy: You knew this one was going to be in here. Whether you child chooses to talk to you or not, be empathetic about the process of sharing your feelings. And, realize that no matter how safe an environment you have created you child may still not always open up right away.
Essentially, the process of sharing and being open is a practice that we all have to develop. You do not always want to share what you are feeling for fear of being rejected, judged, or ignored. The same process happens for our children too. Creating a safe space for them to talk does not erase this process but it guides your child through it more smoothly because they know they are not alone in being human.
What is the Parental Identity Development Model?
The Parental Identity Development Model (PID Model) is a 9-stage developmental model where at each stage of development the parent must complete a task in order for them to achieve competency, confidence, and a healthy self-image of their parenting identity.
The 9-Stage PID Model:
Pregnancy (Nesting)
This stage is concerned with creating a space (physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, etc.) for the humans that will be a part of the family.
Infancy (Learning)
This stage is concerned with learning what it means to be human (how to walk, talk, do, be).
Toddler (Adapting)
This stage is concerned with adapting to the parent you are (versus the one you wanted to be) while also accepting the child you have
School-Age (Exploring)
This stage is concerned with recognizing the influence of the world on parenting identity as the child is also beginning to do the same
Tween (Questioning)
This stage is concerned with questioning what is and helping both parent and child developmentally appropriate detach from one another's identities
Teen (Role-playing)
This stage is concerned with developing a safe space for the parent and teen to role-play real-life roles
Young Adult (Launching)
This stage is concerned with launching and letting go, evaluating the tools given, and trusting the foundation that was laid
Adult (Rediscovering)
This stage is concerned with working on an identity that does not include caregiving
Parenting Age Adults (Sharing)
This stage is concerned with sharing what you’ve learned and moving into a shared caregiving experience
Using Your Parental Identity to Support Your Child Through Peer Relationships
It all begins with an idea.
Peer relationships can be a source of negative and positive influence for your child! Once peers become a part of their decision making process, it can feel increasingly difficult to get them to listen to you and the advice you're giving them about life!
In this video, I'll show you 5 ways that you can guide your child through peer relationships, and become a bigger influence in your child's decision making!
Take a look at this post I did on creating a safe space in your home to help your child learn that you can be a safe person to talk to when issues arise in their life.
You can also read about how to make friends here.
The Parental Identity Development Model: A Framework for Counseling Parents
In the field of psychology, there are many theoretical models for how children develop into adults and how adults develop later in life. Unfortunately, there is not a structured model for what happens to individuals entering one of the most significant and long-term phases of life: parenthood. Just as clinicians are guided by models that help them understand children and adults as they develop, they can also benefit from a framework for how parenting identity develops during the child-rearing process.
In this two-hour continuing education web conference, licensed clinical social worker and parenting coach, Mercedes Samudio, will introduce the Parenting Identity Development Model to help guide clinicians and parents through change in therapy. Mercedes created this model using existing evidence-based developmental research and proven therapeutic techniques. She will discuss the role a parent plays in a family’s ability to change and what therapists can do to help them successfully maintain those changes. She will cover strategies to bypass parental resistance and develop a therapeutic alliance that will help empower parents and heal families.
Mercedes based the framework for the Parenting Identity Development Model on the work of experts such as Ellen Galinsky, Erik Erikson, and Daniel Levinson, as well as recent research about the impact of trauma and biology on personal identity. She will discuss the stages of parenting identity and their key tasks that contribute to a parent developing a healthier parenting identity. Mercedes will share case examples and will also demonstrate coaching strategies clinicians can use to engage parents and convey the importance of healthy identity development on the overall health of the family.
This introductory instructional level web conference is designed to help clinicians:
Summarize the parenting identity development model.
Explain the process of parental identity development.
List stages in the model and the tasks needed to move into the next stage successfully.
Describe specific strategies for using this model in therapy.
Recognize barriers, including parental defense mechanisms, that may interfere with parental development.
The Parental Identity Development Model
Mercedes Samudio, LCSW
Goodtherapy.org (c) 2018
Learning about the Parental Identity Development Model with Mercedes Samudio
It all begins with an idea.
It was such a blast being on the Joyful Courage podcast.
Check out the episode notes below:
Mercedes is a parent coach, LCSW, bestselling author, and speaker who helps parents and children communicate with each other, manage emotional trauma, navigate social media and technology together, and develop healthy parent-child relationships. Over the course of her career, Mercedes has worked with adoptive families, foster families, teen parents, parents navigating the child protective services system, and children living with mental illness.
Mercedes started the #EndParentShaming movement as well as coined the term Shame-Proof Parenting – using both to bring awareness to ending parent shame. She published the book, Shame Proof Parenting: Find Your Unique Parenting Voice, Feel Empowered, and Raise Whole, Healthy Children.
Mercedes was on Eps 122, where we dug deep into the shame proof parenting philosophy.
She is a leading parenting expert and has an amazing following on social media that allows her to reach the hearts of thousands of parents who feel heard and seen on their parenting journey.
Mercedes has been featured on The Huffington Post, US News and Report, Woman’s Day, LA Parent Magazine, CBS LA, and Kids In The House. She seeks to empower parents to believe they are already great guides for raising healthy and happy children.
To learn more about Mercedes and her work, please visit www.shameproofparenting.com.